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List of Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Explore our hand-picked selection of 380 inspiring quotes by Mitch Hedberg.

About Mitch Hedberg

  • Born: February 24, 1968
  • Died: March 29, 2005
  • Occupation: Comedian
    • Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. i think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "i hope joe's home, knock on wood!"
    Funny Home Humor
    Spaghetti... i can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. no matter how hungry i am, 1,000 of something is too many. i'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
    Funny Humor Pieces
    Because of acid, i now know that butter is way better than margarine.
    Funny Humor Way
    It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.
    Funny Humor Fighting
    If i was a locksmith, i'd be pimping that out man. i'll trade you a free key duplication for. that joke made me laugh before i could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
    Funny Humor Men
    I called the hotel operator and she said, "how can i direct your call?" i said, "well, you could say 'action!', and i'll begin to dial. and when i say 'goodbye', then you can yell 'cut!'"
    Funny Goodbye Humor
    Incubated. and then raised. and then beheaded. and then plucked. and then cut up. and then put on a grill. and then put on a bun. damn, it's gonna take a while. i don't have time. scrambled!
    Cutting Buns Damn
    I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. these fritos had grill marks on them. they remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. i can still see my dad with the apron on. better flip that frito, dad, you know how i like it.
    Funny Summer Dad
    That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. it would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
    Funny Humor Ozone
    I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. it’s kind of sad. okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
    Believe Night Thinking
    You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "call 1-800-i-really-enjoy-brand-new-carpeting." too many letters, man, must i dial them all? "hello? hold on, man, i'm only on 'enjoy.' how did you know i was calling? you're good, i can see why they hired you!"
    Funny Humor Men
    If you drink o'douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 o'douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
    Drinking Half Hours
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