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She wanted to eat my heart and be lost in the desert with what she'd done, she wanted to fall on her knees and give birth from it, she wanted to hurt me as only a child can be hurt by its mother.
-Denis Johnson
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She Wanted To Eat My Heart And

Denis Johnson
She wanted to eat my heart and be lost in the desert with what she'd done, she wanted to fall on her knees and give birth from it, she wanted to hurt me as only a child can be hurt by its mother.
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Mother Hurt Children

More From Denis Johnson

When we were arguing on my twenty-fourth birthday, she left the kitchen, came back with a pistol, and fired it at me five times from right across the table. but she missed. it wasn't my life she was after. it was more. she wanted to eat my heart and be lost in the desert with what she'd done, she wanted to fall on her knees and give birth from it, she wanted to hurt me as only a child can be hurt by its mother.
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Every act of motherhood contains a dual intent, as the mother holds the child close and prepares it to move way from her, as she supports the child and stands it firmly on its own feet, and as she guards it against danger and sends it out across the yard, down by the stream, and across the traffic-crowded highway. unless a mother can do both - gather her child close and turn her child out toward the world - she will fail in her purpose.
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One thing i did have under my belt was, my mother lost her mother when she was 11. she mourned her mother her whole life and made my grandmother seem present even though i never met her. i couldn't imagine how my mom could go on but she did, she took care of us, she worked two jobs and had four children. she was such a good example of how to conduct oneself in a time of grief. when i lost my husband, i tried to model myself as much as i could on her.
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For a mother the project of raising a boy is the most fulfilling project she can hope for. she can watch him, as a child, play the games she was not allowed to play; she can invest in him her ideas, aspirations, ambitions, and values - or whatever she has left of them; she can watch her son, who came from her flesh and whose life was sustained by her work and devotion, embody her in the world. so while the project of raising a boy is fraught with ambivalence and leads inevitably to bitterness, it is the only project that allows a woman to be - to be through her son, to live through her son.
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Tereza's mother never stopped reminding her that being a mother meant sacrificing everything. her words had the ring of truth, backed as they were by the experience of a woman who had lost everything because of her child. tereza would listen and believe that being a mother was the highest value in life and that being a mother was a great sacrifice. if a mother was sacrifice personified, then a daughter was guilt, with no possibility of redress.
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