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I don't have a girlfriend. i just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
-Mitch Hedberg
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I Don't Have A Girlfriend. I Just

Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. i just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Girl Mad Get Real

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My girlfriend is named lynn. she spells her name "lynn". my old girlfriend's name is lyn, too, but she spells it "lyn". every now and then i screw up, i call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because i don't say "n" as long.
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[grandfather] would manufacture funnies with grandmother before she died about how he was in love with other women who were not her. she knew it was only funnies because she would laugh in volumes. 'anna,' he would say, 'i am going to marry that one with the pink hat.' and she would say, 'to whom are you going to marry her?' and he would say, 'to me.' i would laugh very much in the back seat, and she would say to him, 'but you are no priest.' and he would say, 'i am today.' and she would say, 'today you believe in god?' and he would say, 'today i believe in love.
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Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. for example, "my girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "my dad keeps losing his car keys." and then i just think of different ways the story could end. "my girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. i don't understand why she's crying. i'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." then i try it out on stage. i don't do a lot of re-writing. my jokes either work or they don't. the trick is just to write a ton of jokes.
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Just me, just me sweet marie, she loves just me (she also loves maurice mcghee). no she don't, she loves just me (she also loves louise dupree). no she don't, she loves just me (she also loves the willow tree). no she don't, she loves just me! (poor, poor fool, why can't you see she can love others and still love thee.)
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She's a yellow pair of running shoes, a holey pair of jeans. she looks great in cheap sunglasses, she looks great in anything. she's, "i want a piece of chocolate cake; take me to a movie." she's a, "i can't find a thing to wear." now and then she's moody. she's a saturn with a sunroof with her brown hair blowing. she's a warm conversation i wouldn't miss for nothing. she's a fighter when she's mad and she's a lover when she's lovin'.
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She comes to me when she wants to be fed. and after i feed her -- guess what -- she's off to wherever she wants to be in the house, until the next time she gets hungry. she's smart enough to know she can't feed herself. she's actually a very smart cat. she gets loved. she gets adoration. she gets petted. she gets fed. and she doesn't have to do anything for it, which is why i say this cat's taught me more about women, than anything my whole life.
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So he decided to stay out of it and instead turned back to lady bridgerton, who was, as it happened, the closest person to him, anyway. “and how are you this afternoon?” he asked. lady bridgerton gave him a very small smile as she handed him his cup of tea. “smart man,” she murmured. “it’s self-preservation, really,” he said noncommittally. “don’t say that. they wouldn’t hurt you.” “no, but i’m sure to be injured in the cross fire.
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I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and i always have been.
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