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Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. first, it was peewee herman and then george michael. if masturbation's a crime, i should be on death row.
-Gilbert Gottfried
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Every Time You Open The Paper Now,

Gilbert Gottfried
Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. first, it was peewee herman and then george michael. if masturbation's a crime, i should be on death row.
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Paper Firsts Crime

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George was the easy part. as for michael, i had always liked the name, and my father's brother is named michael. i thought it was a good idea because there are a lot of greeks in england with the second name of michael; as a child i had a greek friend whose second name was michael. it was like getting the name that i wanted without having to get rid of the greek element.
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More details coming out about michael jackson. it seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. see, what happened was whenever michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he'd have to put in another one, and then another one, and then another one.
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I like "rock, paper, scissors two-thirds." you know. "rock breaks scissors." "these scissors are bent. they're destroyed. i can't cut stuff. so i lose." "scissors cuts paper." "these are strips. this is not even paper. it's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "paper covers rock." "rock is fine. no structural damage to rock. rock can break through paper at any point. just say the word. paper sucks." there should be "rock, dynamite with a cutable wick, scissors."
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I believe michael [jackson] in a sense is an american martyr. martyrs are persecuted and michael was persecuted. michael was innocent and martyrs are innocent. if you go on youtube and watch interviews with michael, you don't see a crack in the facade. there's this purity and this innocence that continued [throughout his life].
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At what point, then, should one resist? when one's belt is taken away? when one is ordered to face into a corner? when one crosses the threshold of one's home? an arrest consists of a series of incidental irrelevancies, of a multitude of things that do not matter, and there seems no point in arguing about one of them individually...and yet all these incidental irrelevancies taken together implacably constitute the arrest.
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